Healing takes time.
The other night I️ felt so lost and hopeless. I was very negative about myself all day. I didn’t give myself any room to love. As night approached I️ lay in my bed in the darkness. The song “You Can’t Rush Your Healing” started to play. In that moment I️ started to bawl. I felt myself wander in the dark as I️ let myself cry. I️ was very vulnerable. But as I️ felt lost, sad, and scared I️ let the music take me away. I️ had thoughts of, Who am I️? What am I️ doing? Where will I️ go? I️ let the darkness take me for a second, let myself feel. Feel utterly raw. I️ let the music sing inside my soul. Feel the tone of the space that filled my room. “Confusion clouds the heart, but it also points the way.” Where was my heart in this moment? Where is my heart pointing to? What is my next step in life? I️ lay there, with tears in my eyes I️ fell asleep.
I️ woke up the next morning and listened to a podcast by two beautiful souls. (@alliemichellel @raquellemantra)They had Trevor Hall as a guest, and spoke with him about his journey. They talked about being vulnerable and raw. To let yourself open up and fill yourself with love and the earth. To follow your heart, wherever it desires to go. Trevor mentioned that we all have a journey. We don’t really have a say in where we go because we are meant to take a certain road. It helped clear my confusion. I️ felt at peace with how I️ felt the night before. I️ felt as if my heart opened up and let me feel all the good vibes that this podcast spoke of. At the end Trevor sang a song. From his new album "The Fruitful Darkness". The song is called "Moon and Sun". One part hit me. “I️ won’t give up on you” I️ felt love rush through my body as I️ told myself
“I️ won’t give up on you” मैं तुम्हें छोड़ नहीं दूँगा
Because it is in the darkness that teaches us. It’s okay to be vulnerable to yourself. Let yourself know the darkness so you can become raw, and start to rebuild yourself from that new source. We are all on a journey, weather the journey is in our Saturn return, or in the darkness or in the light part of your life. We need to remember that our hearts will guide the way if we just listen. We listen best when we are vulnerable. Always remember “You can’t rush your healing, Darkness has its teaching” time will tell.
I wrote this months ago. As I was struggling with my personal self. Little did I know that it would apply to me in this very moment. As I lay here in bed, on this very sleepless night. I came across a video of my dear brother Kyle. I heard his voice, and it hit me. I remembered that the memories I have with him are the only thing I have left. I can no longer make new memories with him. I miss him so much. The pain that fills within my heart is overbearing, confusing almost. Not knowing that someone could experience such sorrow. But as I lay here crying, sobbing really. I wrote a letter to him. Telling him how much I loved him. How much fun I had when I sat in the school parking lot with my hood up waiting for him to drive up on his motorcycle to save the day really.
I remembered that I had written about time and healing. So I played the song and let myself feel raw, like I talked about before. I felt myself calm. Listening to my heart and where it is guiding me. I have to remind myself that I am supposed to keep living my life. Keep living everyday like I would want to live it. To reach my goals, dreams and desires. My heart was there. My heart is guiding me towards life itself. I should not feel ashamed to want to keep living, even if my brother doesn’t get that chance any more.
Time really is a beautiful gift. That over time, the pain and suffering we have over something will start to heal. Though it’s only been a month and a half since my brothers passing. I have to remind myself of this every time I have a break down. I always let myself feel the sadness. I let myself miss him. I feel the darkness for a second. But only for a little. Eventually you have to stop crying, and pull your head up high. Or you’ll fall down further and further into the darkness. It’s exactly like the Yin and Yang. It’s the balance of dark and light. Nature has a balance, we can’t forget that or we will lose hope, and lose ourselves within it.
To make a little more sense of this all. My older brother at the age of 24 passed away peacefully, and very very unexpectedly a week just before Christmas. Leaving behind his beautiful wife and two wonderful baby boys under the age of 3. What a wreck this last month has been. Do you ever look back at your past and think. “Things are so different now”. That's been my thought lately. Almost wishing it was those old days again so we can go on little dates after fixing up cars. The weekend after his passing, the whole family stayed at home. In our tiny little rental home. We were very blessed with the kind hearted neighbors and friends to bring us food and love. But in that weekend, food was the least important to almost all of us. Considering how concerned I am about my health, I didn’t seem to care at all. I didn’t eat or drink for days. The only importance was the fact that my brother has a beautiful funeral.
His wife had asked me to paint a picture of him for his funeral. Which was 3 days away. But in my respect towards my brother, I painted him.
Everyday I think of him. Of his kind hearted spirit. His loving example of a sibling he was for all of us. My brother was wonderful and very selfless. I love and miss him very very dearly.
(Families Together Forever)
If there is one thing you should remember everyday. It should be that “You Can’t Rush Your Healing” “Darkness has it’s teaching.”
Try to enjoy whatever life gives you, because you can’t change the inevitable. I love you all. Peace:)
