Over the last year I’ve dealt with basically anything you can think of. I lost my older brother exactly 1 year ago today. It’s been a very weird and fast but long year. I also lost one of my greatest best friends. Someone I spent almost everyday with. I didn’t lose him to death, the complete opposite actually. I lost him to life. And heck if I’m being straight up. I even lost my grandpa recently. It’s been honestly a shitty year. And I have been battling the last 3 months with configuring the differences and similarities to both losses I’ve had. I tell myself that losing my best friend, my lover, has been worse then losing a brother. But that seems selfish and rude of me. But it’s true. I lost my brother to death. So I know exactly where he is. And I know exactly that one day I’ll see him and be with him. But as to losing someone to life, I have no idea what the outcome is. Will I ever see him again? See him as lover? Will it be okay in the end? Everything I’ve thought with losing my older brother I think with losing my lover. The difference is I’ve made amends to the loss of Kyle. I know he is in heaven with God. I feel his love within me everyday. I know he is looking out for me. I know it’ll be okay because I have that faith and belief. I mean it still hurts everyday without him. But at least there is comfort.
I have not on the other hand, made amends to the loss of a lover. I am torn apart every single day. My heart has been broken and a part of me left when he did. A part of me will always love him and I believe that 100%
Maybe it makes me a bad person, that I feel more pain with losing the love of my life then losing my brother to death. Does it make me awful? I don’t love Kyle any less. In fact I love Kyle with all of me. I love him as my brother, as my friend, as a second dad. It’s a different love.
I’m not sure what happy inspirational outcome this little rant has. Because I don’t really know how I feel today or have felt recently. I’m very sad inside and I’m trying my best to pick myself up. To get up every day and just live. I’m trying to eat at least 2 meals a day. I’m trying to get back into yoga. I’m trying to make myself okay. To make myself better. I’ve made decisions recently that frustrate me. That upset me. I’m trying to accept the fact that i can’t do anything about it.
My head is a mess and my heart is in pieces. But the only thing I can do is try. Just try to keep living. And maybe just maybe one day it’ll be okay. Maybe one day I’ll get to be with my lover again. The hope I do have, is I know for sure I’ll be with Kyle again. And maybe for now, that is enough.